A Mid-College Crisis

In preparation for life, K-12 schools everywhere prepare students with ideas of endless possibilities.

College is like a brick falling smack onto the head. When the brick first drops, we don't even know it's coming. When we hear it, we look up, and prepare ourselves with less than a moment of preparation and a thought of deep depression. When it hits, life is over. That's it; there is no way out of the situation.

It's the perfect analogy.

Undergraduate Freshmen: They are ridiculous. They are all binge-drinking, slightly whore-ish, slacking, complainers who think they rule the campus. Anything is possible.

Undergraduate Sophomores: I think it's sometimes referred to as the 'sophomore-slump'...but that might just be what my friends and I deemed it. These are the kids who realize that life is actually happening...no matter how much we try to stall it. Still...anything is possible...the only difference is that everything is seen through a bit of a bleaker outlook than before.

Undergraduate Juniors: First semester - life is great. Anything is possible...and nothing can possibly go wrong. Then second semester hits...GPA's matter all of a sudden, close relationships with faculty and staff are key, and there is no more pretending that life after undergraduate is too far in the future to matter.

Is senioritis even possible in college? There is no way seniors fit that into their schedules.

The majority of us grow up with solid positivity and optimism ingrained in us. It's like we're placed in a crystal ball and everything we see through the ball shines with a certain, golden glow.

Then the second semester of our junior year in undergraduate comes around. The crystal is shattered; the glow is gone...and our optimism goes with it. Our young, curious, positive minds are no longer.

With second semester comes a new level of responsibility...and the ever-present question referring to the status of our futures.

'They' always talk about the mid-life crisis...but no one ever pays any attention to the mid-college crisis. Why is that? Is it because it's shameful? I'm not ashamed. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I feel like screaming it from the porch out of pure frustration sometimes.

You know what? A mid-life crisis can be solved with an expensive shopping spree...usually resulting in a large shoe collection, a shiny, new, expensive car, and / or the vacation of a life time. College students can't afford that. College students represent a large chunk of the U.S. citizens currently in debt...we can't even afford the education that is causing all of the stress!

I miss kindergarten.

What Would Jane Do?

What would Jane have done?

Would she have walked across the street?

Would I?

I'm watching The Jane Austen Book Club right now. I just finished Becoming Jane.

I don't think Jane would have gotten to the street in the first place.

I think I wouldn't have gotten there...but for a different reason. I wouldn't have gotten there because I would have done the sensible thing.

Shiny, New Shoes

The bare necessities of life. For most people, the list goes something along the lines of the following: food, water, shelter, sleep, minimal clothing...

...for me? It's a little skewed: A closet full of shoes, bags, clothes, and accessories, water, a good treadmill, and my IPod.

If there is a pair of shiny, new pumps in the window of my favorite store, I will literally go for months without grocery shopping just so that I can afford them when they finally go on sale.

I usually go to bed around 2:00 a.m. - 2:00 a.m. wouldn't be too bad if I didn't get up until class time. However, that's not how my life works. My alarm tends to go off sometime around 6:00 a.m. each morning...the Health Beat's fabulous machines and I tend to be inseparable during the early morning hours of facility operation.

Water seems to be the only unarguable necessity shared by both my life and those of normal people.

I find that fact only semi-disturbing.

Iowa Heart Center

My life as a home-bound cardiac patient. In case there was any question...no; I did not change outfits all weekend


Christian really enjoyed taking this one. Hah...


I was counting down the seconds until I got to remove it.


Don't think those circles were fun to remove.


Sadie did not sleep on my bed voluntarily. I made her.


Unfortunately, the 24 hours I spent at home were insanely better than those I spent outside of it.

I have never been topless in front of more people than I was this weekend. I hate my heart.

I am so sick of hospital smells, gowns that only open to the front, incompetent nurses, long needles, wasting blood on laboratories, one-on-ones with ridiculous doctors, awkward silences, and leaving my mother behind in the waiting room.

Home Alone

I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen
She left before I had the chance to say
Oh
The words that would mend the things that were broken
But now it's far too late, she's gone away

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe it
It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

The taste of her breath, I'll never get over
The noises that she made kept me awake
Oh
The weight of things that remain unspoken
Built up so much it crushed us everyday

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe it

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

Of all the things I felt but never really shown
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go
I should not ever let you go, oh oh oh

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6voJ1sgY_0

This song describes my life perfectly right now. I can't stop listening to it. It's not even that great of a song...but Maroon 5 captured my life in a snap-shot...only in their music video version though. The lyrics without the visual make it seem like it's going to turn out okay...but in the video you see the more realistic version...the one that proves real-life doesn't turn out like Cinderella's story.

People Who Aren't Friends

'Friends with benefits' - is there really such a thing - or should it, in all actuality, be named something more along the lines of 'acquaintances who hook-up with each other on a consistently regular basis?'

My Cosmo once told me that the 'friends with benefits' package was a perfectly logical relationship...I loved the idea...I reveled in the idea. As a strong protagonist of both male and female single-hood, I support any and all physical contact with the opposite sex...as long as there is nothing serious up along the long road ahead. However, after several ridiculously bad encounters, I think I'm beginning to disagree with my once very strong, positive opinion concerning the matter...I think I'm actually beginning to lean towards a strong opposition of 'friends with benefits'...and unfortunately becoming a non-believer in what was once such an inspiring concept.

In my experience, a physical relationship without an exclusive relationship fits in one of three categories:
1. random...and probably never going to happen again
2. the result of recurrent contact during a time of neediness, desperation, or boredom
3. the unfortunate end of a friendship

I have yet to experience the joy of having a guy friend who is also someone I continually experience 'benefits' with.

So where are these boys who seem so ideal? I've had guy friends who, with what has become the inevitable, unfortunate loss of their friendship, have turned into a casual something else; I've had guys who I've spent the night with...who I've faked friendship with afterward in order to make it seem a little more okay; I have also had guys who I really just meet up with on weekend nights for a little fun. I have never once hooked up with a guy who it's been possible to either retain or build a friendship with after the act.

Someone You Hook-Up With = Someone You Are Sexually Attracted To. If you are really, truly friends with someone - so much that you honestly enjoy spending time with them and really care about them...and you are attracted to them sexually - so much that you have a physical relationship with them...what does that equal? It sounds to me like a relationship.

Friendship + Attraction + Overall Enjoyed Companionship = A Hell Of Something That Resembles Something All Too Similar To A Relationship.

'Friends with benefits' do not exist.

The idea of 'friends with benefits,' in this depressing reality, is simply nothing more than another one of those myths the less-committed of us unsuccessfully strive for.

Unfortunate Leg Amputation

Running accident. Fell on the ice. Christian took this after I had already washed it off once...blood just kept coming. How gross is that?

I hate running.

Why does anyone do it? It's the most nonsensical, unjustified activity which is left to only daft, ignorant idiots who believe going for a run is an intelligent decision.

Why don't runners switch to walking, ellipticaling, swimming laps...all are such better options. Why don't runners, namely myself, end their shameless compulsories?

When I'm out of shape, I kill myself to get in shape - and I enjoy it for the first few months.

Then it starts to get ridiculous.

An in-shape me = an obsessive runner. If I feel like I can run it, I'll probably try. Contrary to what I have always been told, this mind-set has never once lead to a happier, better me. It usually leads to something along the lines of the above photo.

Example. On a good day, an in-shape me will plan a ridiculously lengthy route, finish it, and feel accomplished. Good days almost always lead to sore, bad days. On a bad day, an in-shape me will plan a ridiculously lengthy route, not finish it, feel like crap, and send vicious hate messages to her head that probably won't register because her head feels like falling off due to the unnecessary, splitting head ache caused by her absolutely absurd run.

Wow. That was most definitely a very long run-on.

Anyway. There are always more bad days than good. Point = good day --> bad day --> bad day --> bad day...and repeat. It's a vicious cycle, and I seem to be completely incapable of ending it.

I'm either about to start an 18 week marathon training program...or set an exact weekly, winter mileage for myself.

I'm like a tape that keeps rewinding herself automatically - I need to wear out.

I should just fall and literally shatter a leg. I wonder if they'd amputate it...putting me out of my never-ending misery.